


Sloth's Christmas Miscellany

by Small_Hobbit



Series: The Marylebone Monthly Illustrated [22]
Category: Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Christmas, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: Welcome to theSloth’s Christmas Miscellany: a selection box of delights; with the added bonus the Ferret won’t have eaten half of them before you get there.
Series: The Marylebone Monthly Illustrated [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/256591
Comments: 53
Kudos: 13
Collections: Watson's Woes WAdvent 2019





	1. Love & Joy

Dr Watson opened the door of 221B to be assailed with:

_Love and Joy come to you  
And to Holmes and Watson too!_

He groaned and put his hands over his ears.

Mouselet waved a paw. “He’s practising for the Carol Concert,” she said.

“When is it?” Watson asked in some trepidation.

“Two weeks’ time.”

“Oh, no!” Watson groaned again. “Two whole weeks of the Ferret being full of the Christmas spirit.”

“And he hasn’t even started on Mrs Hudson’s punch yet,” Mouselet replied.

_The inspector is bringing_  
_The mince pies, never fear_  
_To wish you some Holmesian good cheer_


	2. The Sloth's Lament

Red pen marks, red pen marks,  
Mistakes is all I see  
Why can’t they re-read their work  
‘Stead of leaving it up to me?

Oh, red pen marks, red pen marks,  
Mistakes is all I see  
An editor’s task is full of woe  
When accuracy’s the key

Rushing here and there,  
No time to check their prose  
With punctuation spare  
And spelling as it goes

Red pen marks, red pen marks,  
Mistakes is all I see  
Why can’t they re-read their work  
‘Stead of leaving it up to me?


	3. The Case of the Sooty Footprints

Mouselet Holmes and Aemelia Vole-Watson were surveying the scene. It was one of carnage, with a mince pie lying upside down on the table, its contents oozing out onto the tablecloth. Nearby a glass of water was on its side, the remains of the water now dripping onto the floor, creating a small puddle.

“What do you deduce, Holmes?” Vole-Watson squeaked.

Mouselet Holmes sniffed cautiously at the mince pie. “Still warm,” she squeaked back. “The crime has only recently been committed.”

“That’s strange,” Vole-Watson continued. “The Ferret’s Father Christmas costume isn’t where I left it.”

“I thought you told him to wait for you before he tried it on. Especially after he’d been crawling around in the chimney this morning.”

“I did,” she sighed. “Are you ready to reveal your deductions to an admiring audience?”

The pair giggled, and Mouselet Holmes struck a pose. 

“I think someone couldn’t wait for the mince pie to cool, took a bite, burnt their tongue and stuck their head in the glass to grab a drink,” Holmes squeaked. “And I think I can also deduce the culprit because those are …”

She pointed dramatically and the pair chorused, “The footprints of a sooty ferret!”


	4. Advice from the Sloth

Tomorrow may be too late

So make the most of today

Let nature enchant

Open your eyes to beauty

Take life more slowly


	5. Let It Slow!

Oh, the chaos in here is frightful  
But the Ocelot’s being insightful  
He’s firmly insisting No!  
Let it slow, let it slow, let it slow

The Ferret is filling his tummy  
He’s been eating up all things yummy  
If he doesn’t stop soon there’ll be woe  
Take it slow, take it slow, take it slow

When the edition is finally printed  
And copies have gone to the shops  
And the money rolls in we’ll be minted  
‘Cos the Christmas edition’s the tops

Aemelia and Mouselet are singing  
For the doorbell is a-ringing  
There’s company who we know  
Take it slow, take it slow, take it slow

And the Sloth is quite contented  
For the mulled wine is fermented  
There’s nowhere he needs to go  
Let it slow, let it slow, let it slow


	6. A Fireside Tale

It was a few days before Christmas. Holmes, Dr Watson and Inspector Lestrade were sitting around the fire, each with a glass of whisky in their hands. The gas lights had been turned down, but the fire was bright and casting eerie shadows across the room.

“There was a time when I didn’t think we’d all be sitting here,” Lestrade began.

“Really, my dear chap,” Watson replied. “Why was that?”

“It began last July,” Lestrade said.

“Aah,” Holmes said, “Of course.”

“But nothing really came of it until the end of October. Word had reached the Yard that strange events were happening, and landladies were warned to keep their doors locked at all times, and on no account to open them after dark. At first, our warnings were ignored, but then the first landladies started to go missing, and people became more circumspect.

“And then, on the last day of October, Mrs Turner heard knocking on her front door. She had no intention of unlocking the door, but instead she pushed open the flap to the letter box and called, ‘Who is it?’ She was greeted by loud moaning and calls to ‘Let us in!’ She bent down to peer out, and saw a crowd of creatures in bowler hats all begging to come in. ‘Go away,’ she shouted. But the moaning only became louder. She pushed her broom out through the letter box and waved it at the creatures, but they only pulled the broom apart.

“Mrs Turner wasn’t standing for the destruction of her property, but she realised she couldn’t deal with them on her own. She left her house by the back door, hitched up her skirts and ran down to number 221, where she banged on the door and Mrs Hudson let her in. ‘Quick, shut the door!’ she ordered. The creatures, realising they had been outwitted, began to shamble their way down the road after her.

“Mrs Hudson and Mrs Turner went upstairs to where they could have a good look at the creatures. Mrs Hudson sighed. ‘That really is too much,’ she said. ‘He causes enough trouble as it is, I really don’t need several zombie versions of him.’

“‘It could be worse,’ Mrs Turner replied. ‘How?’ ‘You could have zombie Mr Holmeses instead.’ Mrs Hudson shuddered. ‘Now that doesn’t even bear thinking about’”

Holmes snorted.

Lestrade continued with his tale. “Mrs Hudson had a plan, which she quickly outlined to Mrs Turner. They made the necessary preparations, and when all was ready, Mrs Turner quietly opened the front door, before hiding in the cupboard under the stairs. The zombies came in and, seeing a light on the first floor, they all made their way up the stairs, pushing and shoving each other to be the first. Mrs Turner tiptoed up after them.

“At the top of the stairs, Mrs Hudson had unlocked the broom cupboard and left the door enticingly open. The temptation was too much to resist and the zombies all piled inside. ‘Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine,’ Mrs Hudson counted. ‘That’s the lot.’ She slammed the door shut, and with Mrs Turner’s assistance used a chain and heavy padlock to keep it closed.

“To start with there was a fair amount of banging and crashing, but slowly it all went quiet. Finally, once she was satisfied it was safe, Mrs Hudson cautiously opened the cupboard door. There was nothing left inside apart from the regular contents of the cupboard and a rather nasty smell. But since the smell was no worse than following some of her tenant’s more noxious experiments, Mrs Hudson was quite satisfied.

“And that was the last anyone heard of them,” Lestrade concluded.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Watson said with a shudder. “But what about the missing landladies?”

“It turned out they’d taken themselves off to Eastbourne to terrorise holiday makers by running boarding houses there.” Lestrade grinned.

“Lestrade, you have an imagination to rival any yellowback book of Watson’s,” Holmes remarked.

Holmes may have been sceptical, but Watson caught his appraising glance at the broom cupboard next time he went downstairs.


	7. Decorating the Tree

The Christmas tree in 221B Baker Street is a wonder to behold. Of course, Sherlock Holmes declares he cannot see the point in having one, and complains when Mrs Hudson requests he assist with carrying it up the stairs, but equally, he insists he should be the one to place the star on the top once the rest of the tree is decorated.

There are no candles on the tree, because Mrs Hudson has banned them. Her reasoning being that Mr Holmes is quite capable of setting things on fire without any additional encouragement.

Dr Watson and the Sloth begin the decorations by hanging the tinsel, which is tied securely to the branches at strategic points. After which the Ferret runs up and down hanging the individual decorations. Every so often the Ferret gets distracted and falls off, but the decorations are generally caught by the attached tinsel so there is no damage done. Do not worry about the Ferret, he rights himself and simply lands with a thud.

This year, Mouselet and Aemelia Vole have made a selection of bows from green and gold ribbon, together with a few Dress Gordon tartan bows, one of which the Ferret is currently wearing round his neck. The rest of the ribbons have been used to decorate a number of peg dolls, which, together with several painted peg soldiers, will hang on the tree until Twelfth Night when they will be distributed to the Irregulars to take home as presents for younger brothers and sisters.

There was some discussion about hanging crystallised orange slices and candy canes on the tree, but it was generally agreed that these did not look nearly as attractive when there were bites missing from them. The one dissenting voice was ignored, since the speaker was rather muffled having found a remnant of toffee which had stuck his teeth together.

Instead the Ocelot had collected some pine cones, which had been painted by Doctor Watson and Inspector Lestrade at the same time as the peg soldiers. The inspector had not expected to be doing any painting, but while he was waiting for Mr Holmes, the doctor had requested his assistance, and the inspector had found the task so relaxing he had returned the following day to help Dr Watson finish it.

Once everyone was satisfied all the decorations were suitably hung, Mr Holmes was called to admire all the hard work and undertake his usual role of fixing the star at the top of the tree.


	8. After the Carol concert

“Thank goodness that’s over for another year,” Mouselet said.

“Yes, the Ferret does always have an original take on carols,” Dr Watson replied. “ _Hark the Furry Ferrets Sing_ was a particular favourite this time, although _Oh Furnished Rooms in Baker Street_ and _While Ferrets ate their Snacks by Night_ were also popular.”

“And now all we need to do is hang up our stockings for Father Christmas,” Mouselet said happily.

“Without him leaving any soot,” Watson added.

“But of course, we don’t want to give Mrs Hudson any extra work,” Mouselet agreed, “And to wish everybody **A Very Happy Christmas**!”

#####

**And Wishing All Our Readers**

**All The Best for the New Year**


End file.
